What Not to Bare

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Sexpectations

When we decide to bare all with someone in the bedroom, do we automatically sustain the right to expect them to bare all emotionally?

The answer: no.

What do you mean NO?!?

Let me break this down. As a single girl who is dating very actively, I make choices. We all make choices. Sometimes bad, sometimes good. If you make a choice to sleep with someone you're dating, you must be prepared for a variety of reactions. Women, keep in mind that ultimately men are hunters: it's not so much about the tail as it is the chase. Men, remember that women hold the power to letting you get what you want. And everyone remember, that actions (more so than words) are very telling.

It's inevitable that human behavior changes once sex is introduced into a dating scenario, usually a shift in power and communication, whether positive or negative. So, even though we can't command certain post-coital bliss behavior from our partner, we still expect it. And analyze it. And agonize over it.

"How long do you like to be held? All night, right?

See, there's the problem, somewhere between 30 seconds and all night is your problem."

Source: IMDB.com, "When Harry Met Sally", 1989, Castle Rock Entertainment

Sex is the easy part. It's what comes after it that's tough. Let's say you've gone on 3 dates with someone, with the average date being 2-3 hours long. You've spent maybe a total of 6-9 hours with this person, enough to know that you are physically attracted to them, but not enough to know you're ready to take your Grade A loins off the meat market.

I'm not saying don't do "it". I'm a firm believer of test driving the car before making a purchase. I'm just saying make your own rules.

For example, my rule is that I only sleep with one person at a time (no, I'm not talking about a threesome). Personally, I feel that I can't be intimate with multiple people in the same period of time and balance all the emotions that come with it. Or maybe your rule is no sex until there is monogamy. Decide how well you want to KNOW someone and emotionally invest in them before going too deep. (pun intended). And be prepared for outcomes and reactions no matter what. People are people, and we might never figure them out.

Now, if I could only keep my over-analyzing to a minimum. But what's the fun in that!?

The Best Worst First Date

Last week I went on a first date with a guy from Match.com. Which by the way, is an interesting beast of a dating website. So, out of the hundreds of people emailing and "winking" at me (it's a big city), I have responded to all of three people, 2 of which I've attempted to meet in person.

So here we are, Mr. Match-gone-wrong (we'll call him Jason) and I are starting our email communications via the Match.com site. As a rule of my online dating thumb, I decide to give him direct contact info (email and phone) after about 3 emails. I actually just find it highly annoying to use Match as the communication medium once I decide someone is normal. I will later come to realize why my roommate suggested this is not a good idea until after the first date.

Jason and I's gmail conversations eventually move to gchat, a nice idea I think, as it gave me an idea of how a person communicates (which, as some of you might guess, is pretty important to me). Jason seemed very normal, funny, grounded, and our interests aligned. From the pictures he had posted on Match, he looked pretty darn cute, 28 years old, and is very tall. (Yay!)

So after finally finding a time where our schedules meshed, he picked a Belgian Beer bar in Times Square. I actually hate this neighborhood, but didn't want to seem too picky at the first meeting. On my trek to BXL Lounge, he had texted me to let me know he had arrived, and was waiting at the bar.

So finally, I walked in.

Oh no. Oh no, no, no. I knew it my heart that was him. But I was wishing it wasn't. Those pictures he posted on Match, were probably about 4-5 years old, and he didn't age well. His hair was thinning in certain spots and he desperately needed a hair cut. His clothes were pretty sloppy. And his teeth haven't seen the inside of a dentist office since those pictures he posted on Match were taken FIVE YEARS AGO.

YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE THIS (yes this is an actual photo he posted on Match):

YOU MIGHT LOOK LIKE THIS:

I thought about walking away for a split second, but just couldn't bring myself to be that much of a bitch. So, I tapped him on the arm, said hello, and the date was officially on. I can't believe I wore my nice Diesel pants for this. We decided to grab a table since there were no vacant seats at the bar, when I noticed that Jason already had a drink in his hand. Didn't he arrive just mere moments before me? He couldn't wait 5 minutes to order a drink? A tad rude, I thought. I would later find out his inability to be in a bar drink-less during our dinner conversation.

Truth is I wasn't really hungry. In addition to his appearance being unappetizing, I had already eaten a bit before meeting him. While he ordered the messiest item on the menu, spaghetti carbonara, I went with soup. I figured there was no point in ruining my diet over him. Then, the dinner conversation quickly moved to his tales of drunken and drug-induced stupidity in college and beyond. Now look, we all have these stories of drunk moments in college, but to showcase them on a first date like it's some best seller you are writing, is just inappropriate. I really don't need to hear about incidents with random women while you're hopped up on horse tranquilizers.

After about an hour of this, he asked if I would like to get a drink elsewhere. Well, of course not. But, I decided to take one for the blog, and see if any more interesting material would arise. I chose an Irish pub closer to my apartment (easy escape). However, I don't really remember the conversation because all I could focus on was how to politely stop him from continually touching my leg and back. I think 3 trips to the bathroom in 1 hour helped me make that point.

Finally, I sold him my excuse that it was getting late and I needed to walk my dog. To which Jason made the declaration "I would love to walk him with you, I really like dogs!". First of all, no. Second of all, it's a bit crass to invite yourself over like that. Did this guy just not get it? I explained that I just needed to get home, and that seemed satisfactory to him.

Until we parted ways. He attempted to kiss me by grabbing my face and leaning in. Quick decision: I turned my head so he got my right cheek. I couldn't get away fast enough. I think he gets the point now since I blocked him on gchat.

To my online daters: Please please post many recent pictures of yourself. And please don't tell me your dad is an alcoholic on the first date.

To Match.com: I want my money back on this one. (Yeah, I paid for my share of the bill....)

Dear Mr. Non-Committal-Game-Player

Dear Mr. Non-Committal-Game-Player,

Hey, it's me, just one of your many conquests. We've been seeing each other for weeks now, and despite the fact that we have a great time together, you seem less than interested in actually establishing any form of commitment. Perhaps this is why you are 38 and single. Maybe you prefer it that way. Either way, your antics are now deserving of my public rant.

Let's be honest, your good looks and money are a great combination for courting women in this metropolis. However, I am neither dumb nor superficial. But I do know the single sea is pretty deep here in the City, and I am just another fish. Except that I like to think that I'm NOT just another fish. I actually have something to offer a man, something which apparently you don't deserve.

Things started off just as they should with any dating scenario. You were flirty, communicative, and always assuring that your time was on my weekend dating schedule. Dinners, movies, fine champagne, comedy clubs, the works. You even went so far as to hold my hand in public, something you non-committal game players were opposed to I thought.

Boy did I fall for it.

If there is one thing I've learned, it's that I'm no longer having sex on the third date with any of you mongrels. That rule for this girl is over. Since when does courtship and communication end after the 3rd date? Now we're confined to random scatterings of text messages and emails, which is just basically your way of fucking with my mind. Have you ever heard of picking up the phone, or is actual voice-on-voice contact too much for you? You're a lawyer, I thought you liked to hear yourself talk.

Nope for you, it's all about control. YOU pick the dates, YOU ask me out, YOU pay, You You YOU. Last time I checked, it's 2010 and it's OK to let women pick a place to eat, or a date. I get it though, you have so many women in your line-up that it's best you schedule your dates accordingly.

And your ego. Where do I begin? You are not the only good looking, intelligent, man with money in NYC. So, get over yourself. Your approach to dating is the best recipe for long-term loneliness. As soon as I de-friend you on Facebook or ignore your emails, you suddenly try to make plans with me repeatedly? As if a Facebook friendship is the yardstick to which we measure potential romantic partners.

Well I wish you luck, you'll no doubt continue your shenanigans until you realize it's too late and the sea of hot young single ladies have moved on to men who actually give a damn. NEXT!

Truly yours,

Me

P.S.: You're not that great in bed.

NEXT!

They weren't kidding. Dating in NYC (or any other overpopulated urban environment) is brutal. In a city of 8 million people, it's almost too easy to be overly selective. For men and women both, if a certain person doesn't fit the bill like you had hoped, it's pretty easy to just say "NEXT!" and return to your regularly scheduled life of trolling bars, exploring the city, and editing your Match.com profile, in hopes of meeting that special someone (or at least to get laid..).

As someone born and bred in the Midwest, I've been trying not to fall too hard into the cynicism of NYC dating. But let's face it, it's happening.

Coming off an ill-fated engagement in 2008 to man that was all wrong for me, I was pretty torn apart. Not cynical, just beat down. 2009 started off pretty intense: I lost a fiance, quit a job in which I was pretty top-of-food-chain, sold my car (damn I lost a lot of money on that), and moved to NYC without a job and measly excuse for a savings. Needless to say, upon arriving on this tiny island, dating was the last thing on my mind.

After a couple months, I decided to throw myself to the sharks, and went on my first real date since my ex-fiance. This guy was totally good on paper: high-powered job, Michigan grad, own 2 NYC apartments, and was good looking. We had a wonderful dinner and great conversation--the works of a good first date. Then it happened, he kissed me. And it was awful. I actually felt his teeth scrape the side of my face. NEXT!

This experience combined with the fact that I wasn't really ready to date after being engaged, pretty much soured me from dating for a good while. Friends encouraged me to try dating sites, I refused. I simply couldn't deal. Dating is tough enough when you're not emotionally scarred.

In December of 2009, I decided it was time to get my act together, romantically. So I joined a dating site, and immediately got many interested gentlemen callers. I made two dates with two different guys in one week. Both dates went fantastic (ok, one more so than the other because we made out for hours...) and I felt back on top. Both guys continued to converse with me, but never asked me out again. So I went out with two more guys over the next couple weeks. Same thing: great time, no second date. Four first dates, no seconds. Had I lost my touch? Had I been NEXTED?

It's hard not to get down or hurt when someone you had general interest in, whether it was one date or five, seems to drop you for no apparent reason. Frankly, I'm over trying to figure people out. In my short time dating in NYC I have realized this: if you're gonna survive it, you better have a thick skin, be prepared to be fawned over, be prepared to be rejected, and be prepared to be the rejector.

There are a lot of shitty people out there, so it's OK to say NEXT! if they aren't for you or like to play emotional war games. Just remember that we all know what it's like to be on both sides of that fence. There are some awesome people out there too, so don't get carried away with your "nexting", and spread some good dating karma.

Besides, if you're one of my friends, and that girl/guy isn't into you, then they obviously suck. Dating should fun, romantic, and exciting. Once it's not, well you know what to do....

Why didn't he call/text/email/facebook/tweet me?

Holy hell. With as many forms of communication as there are today, it's amazing anyone has true privacy anymore, let alone the ability to put someone out of your mind if needed.

A current experiment of mine on this topic is seeming to backfire on me (or maybe it's just a good lesson learned). A guy I am currently dating (very casual, not serious) is connected digitally to me on nearly every communication level I can think of: text messaging, Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Foursquare, email, Google Buzz, and Gchat (some of you probably don't even know what a couple of those things are). Frankly, it's starting to drive me mad being able to know his every move.

While the digital age lends us many opportunities to unite with people from afar, easily share information, and simplify efforts of keeping in touch with people, it also can be frustrating and damning to romance and dating.

I don't like what it's doing to me. As if women don't over-obsess enough, now I have ammunition, digital proof if you will. He doesn't return one email, but I can see him on gChat? (so I KNOW he read it!) Sure, he's got time for Twitter or Facebook, but where's the text message response? Hey how about you stop inviting me to join a LinkedIn group and ask me out on that 4th date?

Ridiculous, huh?

In the meantime I just keep thinking, if this guy turns out to be a jerk, that's a lot of digital dis-connections I'll have to make.

And what if we make the cut and actually form a relationship? It's time to let the Facebook world in on it. The last serious relationship I was in about two years ago was my first time actually posting a Facebook status of "In a Relationship with ". In one felt swoop I was able to tell all of my friends about my new man, let them see a picture of him, and maybe even get some quick information about him. Of course this activity spurred several inquiries from my friends, as actually connecting yourself to someone via a Facebook relationship is deemed quite serious.

And what if the relationship ends? The moment that person digitally ends your relationship connection is like another slap in the face. When things ended with my former FB connection, we actually took steps to tell people personally that we broke up, before updating our profile information. And even after that painful moment, I was still getting an influx of messages asking me if I was "ok". (Which by the way the answer was NO!) If we choose to make Facebook or these other digital outlets a place we openly share information, we are essentially letting hundreds of people into our emotional space, for better or worse.

By the way, there is a reason for that "block" feature on Facebook, chat, Twitter, etc. Use it if need be.

Let's Meet for a Drink

While I would rather not write an introduction and just start sharing my fascinating stories, thoughts, and wonder-ments with a virtual audience, I suppose some sort of background on what my attempted 15-minutes of web fame is all about.

So here I am, a single, mid-to-late 20s girl living in NYC. Originally hailing from the midwest, I have been in Manhattan just over a year after longing to live here for nearly 14 years. I am a social butterfly (note: NOT a socialite) who loves and befriends many types of people. It was of the reasons (aside from just how great this city is) that I wanted to move here: the people. I work a somewhat normal 9-5 job, pay way too much in rent, explore NYC and its outer boroughs when possible, and I go on dates. I guess one difference between me and others is that I have chosen to blog about it.

I have experienced many different types of dating scenarios (from flaky to ultra-serious) and find myself talking to both my male and female friends about these topics daily. I know what you're thinking, "just another Sex and the City wannabe", but no that's not it. I'm not in my 30s, I don't live a six-figure or more NYC lifestyle, and I now date in a digital world, which greatly impacts the way we think about dating, the people we date, and how we communicate. Oh also, I am REALITY.

So here I am, ready to date, ready to write, and ready to entertain. And of course, doing this all anonymously, so as not to scare away a potential happy future. Enjoy.